I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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