Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think your dad took our porno
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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