How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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