You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
