She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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