I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
