Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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