well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
