in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
