I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
