I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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