I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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