Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
