So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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