i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
