I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
