Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize