I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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