I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
