he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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