she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
