I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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