On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
