good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
