maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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