so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
