bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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