Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
