i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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