I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
