I can text with my tongue
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
