I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
