Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
love makes seman taste better
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
