also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
