my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
