I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
