you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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