ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's blow job season.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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