ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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