my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
