The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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