I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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