Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
