it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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