I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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