Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
