Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
