The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
