I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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