I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can text with my tongue
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
