the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
