Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You took a bar mat shot.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
