i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
