My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
