dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
