Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
