I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
