Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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