are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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