OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
