I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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