nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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